Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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