Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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