I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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