What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
