You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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