Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
