I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
