I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
