I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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