im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
