considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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