Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
