I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
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im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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