Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
