There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.