I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
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opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.