Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
