Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
