For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
