ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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