Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
