i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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