you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
