Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
