my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
