i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Drunk is not a location!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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