Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
