if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
