You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize