when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
