worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
