my phone needs a breathalizer
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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