omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
