I'm lost and stupid without you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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