I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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