Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
