You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
