i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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