I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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