I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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