My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
