If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i will never coherently bang her
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
