I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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