Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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