Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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