I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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