i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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