I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead