Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
