I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize