He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
