he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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