I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
