My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
