my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
