i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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