i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
