Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
